“Boy, God must REALLY be disappointed with me today!”
Who besides me has ever said this? Or thought it? Or whispered it under your breath?
I’ve done all three… every time I don’t live up to the example of Christ that I wish to be. So, in fact, quite often!
So what’s wrong with me? I am, after all, a new creation—the “old” me is gone, and my “new life” has begun (See 2 Corinthians 5:17)! Shouldn’t this “new life” look a little more like Christ a little more of the time???
And so it is that this self-condemning spirit binds me and pushes me down, more times than I can count.
But rehashing that only makes me more and more depressed, so let’s change the topic, shall we?
You would think that after living with my husband’s dementia for over seven years, I would have accepted it by now. And most of the time, I have! Lately, however, for whatever reason, whenever I see my husband, my mind zeroes in on how much he has lost, how much he has deteriorated, how child-like he has become, and the tears flow in abundance.
I puzzled over this for a few days, but even discussing it with a good friend didn’t help me completely understand why I was once again grieving the loss of my husband. I decided one day to discuss it with God… and what He revealed blew me away. The conversation went something like this…
“What makes you sad?”
I had to think about that for awhile, but I did come up with an honest answer: I miss who he used to be.
“Are you angry at him for the changes in his cognition?”
That one was easy. No! He can’t help how he is! His actions and what he has become are a product of the dementia. It’s not his fault!
“And when he does crazy things, are you disappointed in him?”
I shook my head. How could I be disappointed when he has no control of what he does?
Wait—Disappointed? Wasn’t that what I was accusing God of being when I didn’t behave in a Christ-like manner?
And then suddenly it all became clear to me. Like my husband once had perfect cognition, each one of us was created so perfect, that God, “… looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!” (Genesis 1:31 NLT). Unfortunately, just as dementia has stolen my husband’s cognition, sin has taken away our perfection: “…everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” (Romans 3:23 NLT), and the Bible records, “…the Lord was sorry he had ever made them and put them on the earth. It broke his heart.” (Genesis 6:6 NLT). Nonetheless, He longs for us to return to Him (See Joel 2:12-13; Hosea 11:8; Luke 15:11-33), and when we do return to Him, “…there is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents.” (Luke 15:10 NLT).
The thing is, just because we give our hearts to Christ doesn’t mean we become perfect overnight! “The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants….These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.” (Galatians 5:17 NLT).
When I don’t act in the most Christ-like manner, God sees, yes. But just like I am not angry or disappointed at my husband when I see what the dementia has made of him, God is not angry or disappointed in us when He sees what sin has made us! In His gentle manner, He works with us at our own pace, meeting us where we are, ever encouraging us to be more like Him, and any voice in your head that tells you anything different is NOT of Him! So don’t listen to it!
Yet we are encouraged to, “…throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.” (Ephesians 4:22-23 NLT). How can we do this?
The answer lies in 2 Corinthians 3:18: “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (NIV).
Our job isn’t to get down on ourselves because we fail. Rather, we are to contemplate the Lord’s glory, so that we can be transformed into His image with EVER-INCREASING glory!
Boy, God’s patience is running thin with you this time, Lyn!
No! That condemning voice isn’t from God. Maybe I did fail, but this just means I need to spend more time in His presence so that He can do His good work in me!
In His love,
Lyn
Lynona Gordon Chaffart
Author, Moderator, Acting Director, Answers2Prayer Ministries
