For many years I knew not God. I was fearful of Him and worried about what punishment He would administer if I did something wrong, or if I sinned or made Him angry. I was not at all sure there was a God. But if there were, I certainly did not want to irritate Him and call down His judgment on me.
Of course, I knew I wasn’t perfect and I did do things that were wrong, as we all do. Consequently I was always in a state of feeling guilty and waiting for God to punish me. I was in a constant state of turmoil, inside; because I couldn’t seem to help myself; I couldn’t control my sinful nature. What was I to do?
Sure I prayed. I asked God continuously to forgive me and take away my sin. It was so stressful, because almost immediately I would go out and do either the same thing again or something just as sinful. Then it would begin all over again, the fear, the guilt, and the turmoil. I simply did not know how to stop sinning and not make God mad at me. I felt He was this big, big, guy in the heavens somewhere, where I knew not, that would suddenly out of the blue strike me dead with a bolt of lightening or some kind of tragic accident. I lived in fear of things I could not see. I tried to act as if I had it all together and knew God. I didn’t want anyone to see what a mess I was on the inside.
Then one day I kind of figured it out that if God were such a horrible task master, He would already have struck me down by whatever means. But I was still here! I was totally healthy and had no horrible marks or no diseases of any kind. The only thing I couldn’t figure out was, if God wasn’t a hard task master who would punish me for all my sins, why then did He take my mother and father at such a young age? Was this perhaps my punishment for the “bad” things I had done? Or was there still something “bad” that would come upon me, if I continued to sin? Should I be still trying to please God? Should I do something “good” to make up for the wrong I had done? How “good” did I have to be, for so many sins I knew I had committed? Was there a certain level of “good” I should attain to keep me from being punished? Would I ever be “good enough” to make it to Heaven?
All these things were a source of torment for me before I finally asked God to forgive my sins and made Him my Lord and Savior. Somehow from that time on, though I still didn’t know much about Him, I knew that my sins were forgiven and I need only to ask His forgiveness and repent if I committed a sin; that He is faithful and just to forgive us, when we ask Him. When He died on the cross, it was for all my sin. He paid it all. Not just for the sin I had committed before I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior and asked His forgiveness; but for all the sin I had committed or would ever commit. How good is God? Who wouldn’t love a God like that? Who wouldn’t ask forgiveness and take Him as Savior and Lord and worship Him with every breath we take? Praise You Lord!!!
God, to me is a hard task master when we refuse to obey Him. When we constantly disregard His commandments and put our own lives in jeopardy by the choices we make. Only because He loves us so does He insist on obedience to His word; obedience and being faithful to taste and see that He is good by living our lives in accordance with His word; by being faithful to read and fellowship with Him through His word daily. God does not call down some kind of punishment when we sin. If we let Him take control of our lives and live according to His word, He is a forgiving God; a God of love and mercy and grace.
Our sin is punishment enough. The consequences of sin are always death; death to ourselves and death to our spirit and separation from God. Unless we repent and ask forgiveness immediately when we sin and with the help of the Holy Spirit do not continue to commit that same sin, we are bound to be punished by the natural consequences of sin, mostly sins of the flesh, which are sexual sins such as lust, adultery, fornication, pornography, etc. We can all see what the natural consequences of those sins are; a continual disregard for the feelings of others; a drawing back from the word of God; a backslidden condition; broken marriages; disease; broken homes and homeless families and children. These are the hallmarks of sexual sin; not just sexual sin, but other more subtle forms of rebellion such as lying; stealing; or more violent crimes against society. But of course, if we do not repent and ask God’s forgiveness, we will be found guilty and relegated to a sinner’s Hell, a place God has prepared for the devil and His demons as the Bible says.
Since I met the Master and asked Him to take control of my life, I now know He loves me with an unconditional love and will always forgive me when I ask Him to. No, I am not yet perfect and won’t be as long as I am a sojourner on this earth. But I know if I do slip and fall, which I have and do, He is faithful and just to forgive my sin, when I humble myself and ask His forgiveness.
That is Who God is to me.
Nell Berry